It's just.

One of the most significant things I've learned out here is how important it is to believe in the people I care about and whatever it is that they aspire to; to be as supportive as possible when possible.

I learned this as a result of realizing how much I depend on others' belief in me. Not in the sense that I'm completely filled with self doubt but because I know how positively affirmations from people I respect affect my point of view, and if there's anything to believe in out here, it's the people who make your otherwise numbing days bearable. 

I can't tell whether the fact that I've noticed myself seeing things minus the rosy glow of optimism is a problem or not. 

_Asst

In case you were wondering exactly why I'm unreachable by cell phone for 12 hours a day, below please find a comprehensive internet video designed to explain things a bit. Just a bit though, because I actually do a lot less socializing than this video implies. 

That being said, between moving out of one and into another apartment, moving off of one and onto another work desk...if I make it through the next month without getting Bell's Palsy, I will consider it an overall success.

Hollywood ASST from Back of the Class on Vimeo.

Riz.

Why It Is Nice To Have Girl Bros

Liz gets ready to leave for work while I remain on the couch wearing glasses and my wolf sweatshirt, celebrating the fact that it's 11:30 AM on Monday and I'm not at work. She indicates the tea dregs, half-eaten walnut cinnamon roll and stack of DVDs on the coffee table.

Liz

What are you doing today? A lot of this?

Me

Most likely. I might shower or do laundry. 

I feel like I'm starting to smell like this

wolf sweatshirt, or vice versa.

Liz

Yeah. You don't look good. 

Me

Thank you for noticing.

Also...

I Have Engaged Couple Friends

So I can finally talk about this, thank God. Natale and Ray are really setting the bar ridiculously high in terms of my future, peer People Who Are Perfect For One Another And Decide To Get Engaged group. Bon chance to whoever of you decides to try and follow this act. 

Favorite.

I have to wonder if the sudden upheaval of cases of "non clinical depression" correlates at all with the possibility that maybe people just aren't watching THE SOUND OF MUSIC* as often as they should be. Seriously. There's a reason why this is my Sick Movie. Try to feel sorry for yourself while watching The Sound of Music**. Better yet, watch a Holocaust documentary to gain some perspective and then chase it with The Sound of Music. I'm telling you. Possible side effects include sporadic singing and frequent line reciting with the occasional urge to, I don't know, leap or something. The only thing I can think of that releases similar endorphins is a tour jeté. 

Anyway. Between the ages of two and five I was exceedingly precious and happy and  I'm pretty sure I can attribute said happiness to my parents, sure, but also to daily viewings of The Sound of Music and specifically Julie Andrews. What a princess. That woman is Xanax in human form. Luckily, I didn't build up a resistance to The Sound of Music as a mood booster during those heady toddler years, so it still proves to be effective now that I'm a twenty-three year old East coast transplant living the dream in Los Angeles amidst a concentrated amount of bonafide douchebags. 

Okay, seriously Liesl, you're way more invested in Young Nazi Rolf than he is in you. It's okay, you're only sixteen. Sure, he sings a good game, but you'll learn the truth eventually. For what it's worth, your gazebo dress is absolutely gorgeous and gave me a total dress complex that started as soon as I developed the coordination necessary to stand up in a dress and make it twirl. This one just takes the cake and you go and get it all covered in rain and dirt over Nazi Rolf in the gazebo. 

And Georg, what could you possibly see in The Baroness? She's clearly a money grubbing whore who does not even love your children! Open your eyes! She wants to send them to BOARDING SCHOOL of all places! Maria is a ray of sunshine with a lovely voice and has nothing but the best intentions and yeah, she might not have a billion dollar ball gown collection like The Baroness does, but come on now. She's clearly the answer, and what do you do? You try to ship her back to the abbey! Oh man.

Wow, I'm only twenty minutes in and this is turning into a stream of consciousness liveblog of The Sound of Music. While I'm sure that nothing could possibly be more interesting to read than three hours' worth of my Rodgers and Hammerstein free association musings, I'm going to go ahead and quit while I'm ahead.

Assuming, of course, that I ever was ahead to begin with. I might have given up that spot when I admitted to Sound of Music Therapy so...it's fine. 

*I'm leaving this as is because I automatically typed it this way without thinking. Has putting the titles of movies in all caps seriously become a reflex? Is that actually happening? It's bad enough that I can blind dial a phone based on the sounds that each number makes and even worse that whenever I dial any number, ever, I have taken to throwing a 9 ahead of the area code, just because. My job is such a dream.

**I made a conscious effort that time. There's no need to shout.

***I really like footnoting, I've decided.

A Roadtrip That I Am Not On IV

Flagstaff, AZ to LOS ANGELES, CA

10:20 AM: "So we're entering the desert and since Natty spiked my Smartwater with Benefiber, we're hoping to make it through without any hold ups."

10:39 AM: "I just want to let you know that we are in the middle of a blizzard AND in the middle of a desert! Ahh thank God for this because it was the only weather condition we hadn't experienced yet and now we can check it off our list!"*

11:31 AM: "This stuff is so BIG. Its like the hotels in Las Vegas. Good work, Mother Nature."

*I didn't know they were playing weather pattern bingo.

A Roadtrip That I Am Not On III

Oklahoma City, OK to Flagstaff, AZ

5:56 AM: Liz: Maybe you're meant to wake up at 6 AM!
Natalie: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

8:51 AM: "Shit. We're in Texas."

9:18 AM: "There is so much roadkill here. It's like even the skunks know how bad it is to live here."

9:39 AM: "Don't worry. The largest cross in the western hemisphere is still here and has yet to be usurped by any other crosses. "

10:34 AM: "So I passed the cross. I don't think I need to see it twice. Natty slept through it and said 'I slept through it again? I guess I'm not meant to see it.' Then a couple minutes later she says 'I want to the into stealing.' "

11:06 AM: ""Are the Jonas brothers saving it for marriage?" "Yeah, I think so." "That makes me want to do them more."

11:14 AM: "Aaaaand we just got pulled over in Texas. And Natty is sitting in the cop car with the officer."

11:19 AM:

"Oh, it's just Natty kicking it in a police cruiser."

11:22 AM:

Cop: "Well our computers are down, so we can't run a search on you. Are you wanted anywhere?"
Nat: "Not that I know of."

Cop: "Not that you know of?"

Nat: "Well I think my friend that's in the car wants me right now."

12:54 PM: "WORST NEWS. I JUST LOST A CONTACT IN A NEW MEXICO BATHROOM. AND THE SUN IS ONLY IN MYEYES. Nat just says, 'Let's get on the news. I just took the biggest shit of my life and you lost a contact.' Obviously I don't have any other contacts. Because I live my life on the irresponsible side. You know how I feel about wearing my glasses. I have a whole new, long term Tyra Banks style expose. I am an offcial nerd."

4:28 PM: "We're just racing trains in New Mexico. "

4:36 PM: "Epic."*

5:57 PM: "It is 29 degrees and Natalie is peeing outside."

6:22 PM: "We're on the lookout for the nuclear meth lab we came across on the last trip. "

6:45 PM: "Spotted: Meth factory. We're waiting until we're right up in its bowels for a pic. Get ready."

6:53 PM:

"THERE IT IS. Shit's really hard to photograph. They probably did that on purpose.

Natty: 'I feel high right now.'"

7:45 PM: "Today has sucked significantly more than every other day. "

* They could probably shoot a buffalo, carry no more than 200lbs back to their wagon, and trade the remains for beads and snake bite kits with the other settlers out there.

A Roadtrip That I Am Not On II

Nashville, TN to Oklahoma City, OK

6:25 AM: "My tits are at my ankles. I am officially the least attractive I can ever be."

6:39 AM: "After shampooing with hotel shampoo (with no conditioner): 'I think I'm going to have to shave my head...yeah there's no coming back from this.' "

8:32 AM: "I just saw a f&*king bald eagle! Why do you think all those cars are parked there*? I feel epic right now. I can die now." -NZ

11:42 AM: "Don't worry, Arkansas is still full of creepy religious billboards and funnel clouds."

1:43 PM: "I saw the best super church in Arkansas. It was like a cross between the Bellagio and Notre Dame. It was also roughly the size of the Bank North Garden. There are also tornado warnings and confirmed touchdowns for our exact location. But we're pretty sure its actually just sightings of our vehicle because they are reporting dry hair and lots of smoke in its wake."

1:46 PM:

"Yup, that's exactly what I want to do after sitting in a car for 3 days and eating as much Dunkin Donuts as possible."

2:07 PM: "Still questioning the eagle sighting. "Fine, we'll just watch the news tonight. You'll see."

2:08 PM: "Have I ever seen TWISTER? I was raised on TWISTER."

2:22 PM: "If you need any proof of my terrible luck just look at weather.com for Fort Smith Arkansas and Oklahoma City. I am Job."

2:30 PM: "ISO: Do tornados smell?"

3:06 PM: "Entering Cherokee territory, hold onto your scalps. Yeah, they can have mine. I think I'd be better off without it right now."

3:17 PM: (Natty giggling to herself) "What's so funny?" "I'm just trying to find a good spot to take this up to 100 mph." This of course is to prepare for the 100 mph winds that Oklahoma City has in store for us.

4:49 PM: Musings on the constant and terrifying lightning:

"It's like Kristallnacht."

"I just want it to touch down and set something on fire...that'd be AWESOME."

"It's like a Natchtmare"

"I want a cigarette so bad right now...I wish I had a fourth hand to put on the wheel."

All kidding aside though, this is some seriously messed up weather.

*Actually only one car.

A Roadtrip That I Am Not On

Liz and Natalie, who will do anything, including squeeze one more cross country road trip out of herself, for her friends (and also a Ferragamo headband) are en route to Los Angeles. And I. Am so. Excited.

Since Liz is averse to blogging and a self proclaimed storyteller a la Homer, I have taken it upon myself to "live blog" Natalie's and her journey Westward, based on the periodic e-mails I recieve along the way.

Enjoy. Stay tuned for updates.


Altoona, PA to Nashville, TN

10:55 AM: "After 2 miles of "right lane closed ahead" signs, Natty freaks out when it finally happens, shouting, 'What the f&^k?! These people are crazy. They could have warned us*!' "

11:05 AM: "Well, just to let you know, Kentucky smells like flithy, rotten asshole. And West Virginia has a "POWER PARK" and a town called NITRO. So basically, its the set of American gladiators."

11:29 AM: "We have seen some seriously grisly road kill. Like, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN** gruesome."

12:15 PM: "Don't act like it wouldn't be awesome to bang some 16 year old from West Virginia in a gas station." - Natalie Zekos

12:56 PM: "Well, we have an adorable little choreographed routine to the Whisper song (Wait Till You See My Dick). And this quote: 'That car fire is the second best smell in Kentucky'."

1:35 PM: "We drove for hours without seeing another car on completely desolate highway. Natalie waited until we were in four lanes of city traffic to try out the cruise control feature."

4:12 PM: ""Natty is trying to get me to choose between these two restaurants: Rippy's and Sweat's. Mmmm."

5:45 PM: "Yeah I think we're staying in Nashville. This place is the best."

6:27 PM: "I think there is a law in Nashville that you will be assassinated if you aren't having the best time ever."

* This is classic Natalese hyperbole. Throwback to Summer 2007 when one of her coworkers called to see if Natalie would mind picking up some of her hours. She hung up and proclaimed:

Natalie: I don't know who this broad thinks she is, calling me about work at 8 PM on a Saturday!
Danielle: But...it's 6 PM. And it's Tuesday.

**Sidenote: It has been decided that there is no need to see HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU and/or SHOPAHOLIC for the same reason that WWII vets and Holocaust survivors avoid films like SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and SCHINDLER'S LIST. Also because, who cares?

Dream.

I just woke up from a dream directed by Baz Luhrmann. No, really. It's rapidly slipping away from me though, which is a shame because it was definitely one of the more cinematic third person, shot in HD dreams I've had in awhile.

It involved high school cafeterias, because I distinctly remember cheating the cafeteria's velvet rope policy about waiting until it was officially lunch time to allow everyone in. 

Also, more importantly and also more Baz Luhrmann-y, it involved TIME TRAVEL. Ooh, ahh. The only reason this is at all Baz Luhrman-y in any way is because at one point I found myself at the top of the Eiffel tower - not the real one, the Moulin Rouge version. Then, in a grand, sweeping camera maneuver - my dreams are usually very well photographed, but this one was particularly spectacular - we pulled away and to reveal that I wasn't on the top of the Eiffel tower at all! Rather, I had floated down to the middle of a half-completed Tour Eiffel because...oh my god...

...I had time traveled to Paris PRIOR to the completion of the tower. And then, in my moment of dream realization, I delivered this gripping line:

"The World's Fair hasn't even happened yet!"

Then I proceeded to stupidly ride the uncompleted Eiffel tower elevator, which was a huge mistake because it definitely broke and I careened backwards down the slanted elevator shaft only to fall through a mysterious wooden floor and have my face get all scarred and shredded and all of a sudden, Baz Luhrmann passes the baton to Anthony Minghella and I am The English Patient. Sweet. 

To which I ask...hey, subconscious? Uh...is something...bothering me? Am I perhaps afraid of adverse reactions to the chances I might choose to take?

And the answer, of course, is:

"Well, duh."

This wake up early when I don't have to no matter how late I go to bed business is for the birds. 

Pluie.

I never thought I would get this excited about an open window, a downpour, socks on my feet, clean teeth and a couple of comforters. 

But here we are.

Also, in case anyone was wondering how to demand designer chapstick in the most masculine way possible...this is it:

"[ASSISTANT]!! Take this cash, go to Barney's. Get me some Kiehl's lip balm. You know what that is?! For my F*#@KING lips!"

Boo, Bam

So it turns out that that the reason my room was beginning to smell like death was because of the blackened, rotting roots of my dried up, then drowned, then dried up, then drowned bamboo shoot.

Glad I solved that one. Apparently, even a bamboo shoot is too much additional life for me to maintain. I like to think that any future lives that I may or may not find myself responsible for (dogs, children, what have you) will be just demanding enough for me to,  I don't know, not neglect them for months at a time and therefore demonstrate more devoted caregiving. 

Or maybe I'm just all the life I'll ever be able to handle.