Believe.

You'd think that being aware of what goes on behind the scenes in the movies would ruin the magic of actually watching the final, finished product and in a way, it does. One day I'm watching and accepting what I see on the screen, taking for granted someone's painstaking art direction, cinematography, casting, writing, editing, etc., and the next I'm suddenly aware of it.

Somehow, this doesn't have the belief crushing effect that one might think it would. Everything is still just as believable as it always was but now, instead of just assuming that the director got lucky and the sun happened to be shining through the window that particular way at that exact moment, there's a greater appreciation for how that light and those words and the scenery got there, and who was responsible for making them seem so perfectly natural.

Now, more than ever, I'm grateful for the ability to keep believing in spite of what I know to be true. Maybe I really am delusional and out of touch with reality. Or maybe Antoine de Saint Exupery was right and one really does see best with the heart.

When it comes to movies, I'll always believe what I see and suspend what I know. People are a different story. As much as I wish I could rewind the years and rewrite a different version, one that took place in a world without disease and where all of the best people got the time to live the lives that they deserved, I don't need to see her to know that she's everywhere.

I see you.

About you:
You are a VISIONARY.

Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.

You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.

You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.

Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.

Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.

You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.

Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.

You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.

You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.



If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.

Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.



How you relate to others

You are ENCOURAGING

Your outgoing nature, understanding of others, and directness make you ENCOURAGING.

You want others to do well for themselves, and you generally believe in their abilities.

You often know what's good for people because of your caring nature and your worldview.

When you care about someone, you don't keep it to yourself: you are good at letting people know that you're thinking of them.

Because you trust people, you take violations of that trust very seriously.

You thrive in social situations, and even though you know who you like and who you don't like, you can interact well with many different types of people.

You have a healthy respect for people who have earned what they have, and you strive to be similar to successful others.

You are a loyal friend and a good listener.

Perspective.

"It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

I've caught flack in the past for loving this quote but every now and again I'll have a day that reminds me how brilliantly it describes that feeling where all of a sudden you're fully aware of how small and fragile you are in the scheme of things. Alan Ball nailed it. It's a swelling of the heart and a vivid awareness of details and a sudden fascination with names and people and places and how they all came to be, despite whatever odds that stood in the way. Then you get to thinking about stories and people and how things happen in real life that are epic and poetic and everything any audience could hope to watch or read, except for that they actually happened. People really are brave and selfless and evil and snarky and fearless and they're their own protagonist and the sheer volume of stories that exist is staggering. I don't even know where to begin.

I absolutely love that awareness.

So I don't know if  many people know that I have a type of radar where I can sense the presence of a man wearing a Red Sox hat, but I do. Finding them in LA is a true challenge and kind of great, I imagine the Planet Earth producer who located that dancing bluebird of paradise had a comparable sense of accomplishment. In Wedding Crashers they mention that a tattoo on the lower back "might as well be a bull's eye". Lizzy and I concluded that a Red Sox hat warrants a similar reaction in Boston women. 

When you're actually in Boston, such bull's eyes are literally a dime a dozen, but for some reason a Sox hat has the magical ability to increase a man's attractiveness by, I'd say, a solid 10%. In L.A. that percentage is bumped up to probably around 20%-30% increased attractiveness simply because they're a rarer sight. 

Like that dancing bird on Planet Earth.

Dishonor.

To the owner of the cream Mini Cooper, license plate "Stge Mum":

I understand that yours is a life that is filled with the urgent appointments and grueling tasks that come along with shopping your child around from auditions to dance class to piano lessons to dialect coaching to whatever other marketable skill-obtaining sessions a child star might need on their resume. It must be hard work for YOU, naturally, but obviously it pays for your luxurious Oakwood residence and what I can only imagine to be an impressive wardrobe of velour jumpsuits in a variety of pastels. Not only that, but based on my own observations, I've noticed that exploiting your offspring has also afforded you the luxury of paying for a Reserved Parking Spot to park your Mini (which, by the way, should never be cream colored. Cream is a tolerable color for a Mini...Van. Not a Mini Cooper) here at the Oakwood Apartments. That must be nice, you know, to be able to come home after a long day of supervising your child's treadmill activity or cheerleading from the sidelines at a Frosted Flakes audition and know that no matter what, you'll be able to park your car in that nice Reserved tandem parking spot that you're wealthy enough to have the rights to. Good for you, StgeMum.

But OH WAIT. Despite the fact that I've SEEN your Mini of a rancid color parked in YOUR RESERVED PARKING SPACE on numerous occasions, you STILL seem to prefer one of the four non reserved parking spots directly in front of my building. Why do you insist on hogging not one, but essentially two prime parking locations? Do you feel you're entitled to them somehow? Some of us don't have reserved tandem parking spaces and depend on the availability of the unreserved spots so that we don't have to park forty miles from our building on the side of the godforsaken cougar and coyote infested mountain. Here's what's going to happen, StgeMum. You're either going to park in the spot that has been reserved for you (and I will make note of the exact number of said spot, don't worry) OR, if you continue to leave your obnoxious vehicle in the spot that I covet in front of my building, I'll simply park my car in your reserved spot, since you clearly don't use it. It's infuriating and you are stupid. Also, on the off chance that you actually haven't paid for a reserved spot and are somehow getting away with parking in one anyway, I will find out and tell on you, I will tell on you so hard.

...I can't even get into the fact that your vehicle is registered in the state of California as "StgeMum". Congratulations, you're officially a registered idiot.

Love,
Danielle

Ironic.

In light of certain freak football accidents, I've come to realize that it's probably much easier to stomach several mini-losses along the way than to just go on living perfectly until you get slammed with a really huge, serious, doozy of a loss.

Something I've come to both enjoy and despise about California television is the wide variety of low budget PSAs and TV spots. My favorite is probably the pitiful one in which a team of Native Americans practically get down on their knees and beg the white man not to close down their casinos and my least favorite is definitely the devastating advertisement for animal shelters that features weeping puppies in cages and kittens reaching out towards the camera while Sarah MacLachlan croons in the background.

I've gotten into this habit of matching everything I find I like about California with something I don't. It's really stupid. I'm going to add it to my list of habits to kick and quit being so afraid of actually potentially liking it here.

Every decision I have to make feels way too crucial but now that I'm so old and penniless, I can't really afford to waste time.

In spite of myself.

As it happens, the East Coast doesn't have full custody of all things awesome. I'm slowly starting to find the Boston in this place, and at the risk of getting ahead of myself...I think California is growing on me. Sort of like mold. California Mold.

I live for the moments that remind me why I'm here, that help me remember how powerful stories are and how positively bitchin' it would be to actually get paid to tell them. I love it when the senses of ambition and inspiration and passion overpower the pollution in the air and I realize how lucky and grateful I am for this experience. I love stumbling upon people and places that make sense to me in this city full of crazy strangers and I love the LA cupcake fad way too much.

Of course, this is all coming off of a particularly lovely past few days filled with dancing and good conversation and people watching and sunshine and The American Girl Place (for crying out loud). None of this takes away from the fact that I may or may not slowly be going insane from spending so much time isolated in my poor, abused car and that my heart's still strewn about various parts of Massachusetts. Just to clarify. I haven't converted or anything.

It's just nice to find nice, is all.