Sitter.

Here's a good one.

When I moved back to L.A. after graduating, there was a solid month and a half or so where I was pretty unemployed. After spending a couple of weeks with the self appointed, highly un-lucrative task of unclogging my drains, assembling photo collages and watching assorted movies with commentary, I decided to sign myself up for sittercity.com, a website where people find baby-sitters (shocking, right) and get me some jobs. Which is exactly what I did, and it worked out really great for several weeks, until I got my "real" job, which has a lot in common with baby-sitting, when you get right down to it.

Despite the fact that overall, I had very good luck with sittercity.com and got hooked up with some lovely families, I have to admit I was a little skeptical about basically putting myself up for sale on a website. They even require a picture and a background check, both of which, as a SWF from the east coast, I obviously passed with flying colors. Let's be real. Anyway, I couldn't help but sense the beginnings of a Lifetime Original Movie in which some nice, unassuming girl in a strange city just looking to take care of a few kids ends up getting totally duped by some psychopathic rapist using the ruse of interviewing a baby-sitter to lure said unassuming girl into his rape lair. Fortunately that was a non issue in my case, as the gentlemen who hired me were a delightful pair of gays with a delightful pair of gorgeous former crack babies.

Now that I have absolutely zip time to take care of anyone except myself and my boss, it seems that my baby-sitting days are over. However, I never deactivated my Sitter City profile so as a SWF with a degree and a very wholesome user picture, I get a steady stream of offers from desperate families in need of a nanny to dump their cherubs on. For the most part they're very legit, and I feel a little bit bad about ignoring them but then this one popped into my inbox and I couldn't let it go unreported because, you see, my rapist theory has been proven.

Behold, Jeff Williams: Baby-Sitter Slayer. The following e-mail is exactly how I received it. Typos are left untouched, they definitely add a certain je ne sais quois.

Hello ,
My name is Jeff Williams . Am a retired military personnel but presently running my own company .I work on mechanical production and repairs . I saw your ad on www.sittercity.com as a good caregiver for infants and am very interested in leaving my kids in your care .I had someone in care of them the last time i came for the project in your area but she moved to Canada to take care of her father .Am urgently in need for a caregiver from 20th October to 17th November. I have to continue a project in your area and i will like to put my 2 kids with you every Monday - Friday from 9am to 4pm when i will be coming to pick them up to the hotel where i will lodge . My twins are just 3 years old . lovers of computer games, not allergic and free to people . I will be sending there pictures in my next email if required .kindly reply me via my private email below if you are sure to care for them Monday - Friday and let me know how much it would cost me .

Best Regar ds,
Jeff Williams .

Yikes. Jeff Williams. Let's break this down, shall we? First and foremost, you're coming to L.A. with your twins to do a temporary mechanical production and repairs job? Really? And your last baby-sitter mysteriously "moved to Canada"? Really? Interesting. I'm pretty sure Scott Peterson tried to convince his in-laws that Laci "moved to Canada", too. Oh, and you are under the impression that "baby-sitting" means that parents drop their children off at someone's house for the day and pick them up later? No no, Jeff Williams. That's daycare. Any parent would know that. Only a semi-retarded rapist who did a half assed job of researching his cover story would make that mistake. And your three-year-old twins like computer games? Really? Computer games. Like what? What computer games do three year olds play? Flight Sim? And will you be bringing your twins' game-stocked laptops to my house when you drop them off from 9-4 every day, or is this just a fun tidbit of information you'd like to share so that when they get to my apartment and learn that I don't let most adults near my computer, never mind children, they'll be bored to tears.

It's also good to know that they aren't "allergic and free to people". More kids should have those characteristics, that's for damn sure. And of course, yes, I will be sure to e-mail you back privately so that you can send me photos of your twins before I make my final decision to bring them into my home for seven hours a day for a month. Because that's what parents do. Send strangers pictures of their children so that they get some shallow baby-sitter who only takes care of adorable children. (He actually may have a point with that one. Parents should be more open about the overall attractiveness of their kids. It's a lot easier to take an aesthetically pleasing misbehaved child than a homely one.) No but really Jeff Williams, I will definitely send you e-mails at your private address and I will definitely give you my home address. That sounds like an amazing plan. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. Finally, you want me to let you know how much it will cost you? Does that mean I get to name my price? Let's see. Hm. Yeah, it's going to be somewhere in the ballpark of, I don't know, millions of dollars. I'm taking into consideration what it will cost me to relocate, install high tech security devices and hire a bodyguard to protect me from your further attempts to rape and slaughter me, the presumably unassuming wholesome East Coast baby sitter.

I'm totally on to your tricks, Jeff Williams. I'm no fool.

On the real, though...part of me really wants to see what he'd send for pictures of his "kids". My guess is it'd probably be something along the lines of this:

Those are the Jolie-Pitts, Jeff! Circa 2006!