Love from the Randalls, 2002.

Here's last year's fabricated Christmas letter, written by yours truly. I'm sorry to say that it's not too far off from some of the 100% serious letters I get every year that describe the achievements and purchases of the past 11 months. 
Christmas, 2002

To our dearly beloved Family and Friends,

Well, another year has gone by and all too soon I find myself sitting at this 2002 Dell computer equipped with CD burner and duel speakers, typing out this year’s update on my glorious family. And what a year it has been. Each day I wake up and find that my children have grown more beautiful, and I have nobody to thank for that besides Mark and myself. 

Our splendid eldest daughter Danielle is now nearing 17 years of age. We have had to remove her from yet another school, as a result of the severe case of schizophrenia that she has seemed to develop. She is now living at home, having completely dropped out of school, and is thriving as a master of the custodial arts at nearby Market Basket. Although some would say that her illness is a definite negative point, we see no harm in her making friends, be they real life or simply in her head. 

And then there’s Ian. As a present for his 14th birthday in March, Mark and I presented him with the one thing he desperately wanted. A sex change operation. He is now legally female, and has changed his name to Anne. We are absolutely tickled that he has found his true form of self expression and we couldn’t be happier with our beautiful new daughter who, incidentally, made the Varsity Field Hockey team this year and was a candidate for Homecoming Court. We were so proud.

And then there’s sweet Adrienne, who has entered the double digits at the age of 10 completely relieved of her little addictions, compliments of some extremely expensive hypnosis therapy. Luckily the principal of her elementary school was able to be paid off by us in exchange for the extensive damage that Adrienne inflicted upon a fellow classmate over a lost pen. Little Gina’s ear has been successfully sewn back on, and luckily our hiring of a very honest ambulance chaser of a lawyer saved us from any severe charges.

Finally, Mark and I would like to announce to you all news of our latest purchase, a very pricey new vehicle. Luckily we didn’t pay a penny for it, our dear family lawyer sued every last cent out of the Leominster City Garbage department for smashing into our former van, and our profits went to a new car as well as Anne’s little operation. Now I don’t want to make any of you jealous, but as you can see, my perfect family is an absolute dream. I can only hope that the same joy and pride I feel for the beauty and affluence of my family can be felt for yours as well during this phenomenal holiday season. And, if not, my prayers are with you and better luck next year.

All our love and affection and thoughts,

Mark, Michelle, Danielle, Ian/Anne, and Adrienne