Why can't I be like you, Jack?

Grown up is such an odd phrase, and it had such a solid definition to me when I was little. When someone was grown up, they had a job, or they were married, or they lived by themselves, and were just older, in general. Only now I have no idea what constituted as a "grown up" to me back then. For all I know I might have considerded 18 to be equal in adult status to 35.

As far as what I want to DO with the rest of my life? Well when I was two, I wanted to be a ballerina, but by the age of 4 with a year of ballet lessons under my belt I realized that maybe I would just always have ballet as a hobby, because OBVIOUSLY being an actress was a much more stable career move. When I started kindergarten I developed such a crush on my teacher that I wanted to be just like her and teach kindergarten ALL the time. That ended when I was 6 and discovered that first grade was nothing more than a big disappointment. THEN I became penpals with Jan Brett (who, by the way, STILL sends me fliers advertising her latest books and stickers 10 years later. Enough is enough, Jan.) and that's when I wanted to become a pediatrician AND an author. Eventually seventh grade rolled around, and I had the amazing revelation that Katie Couric's job was probably the coolest one around, and that is what I focused my aspirations on throughout high school.

But now what? I've been really lucky to have the oppurtunity to work in a TV studio at school, act in school plays, and have some really amazing people as teachers. (Not so fast, Mr. Smith. I am certainly NOT referring to you. Ass.) I've really been inspired to do each of these things. 

There are days when I just want to go to college, get an education degree and minor in theatre arts so that I could become a Ms. Mastroianni and work in a high school and be loved by all these kids, and direct plays, because I see her at rehersal and in school and it seems that she is one genuinely happy person who likes her job and all of its benefits.

Sometimes I get ambitious. Sometimes I want to take a plunge into tv production  and do my best to stay above the competition and just believe that someday, eventually, I'd get to go to the Oscars.

And then there are those instances when I've just began rehersing for a new show or am really really enjoying myself when I just want to be extremely risky and just go out there and be in the right place at the right time and magically become an actress, and live the life that I have always been fascinated with. 

As much as my future is up to me, there is an equal measure of elements that are pure luck, and coincedence, and just simply a part of this master plan for my life that I am completely unaware of. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and, in the end, everything works out the way it was meant to. So, with that said, I'm just going to keep pondering, and fantasising, and what-ifing, and whatever will be will be