Ton pis.

French Women Don't Get Fat is a book that teaches American slobs how to maintain a healthy, French lifestyle in which one can balance what they eat in order to eat basically everything while maintaining a svelte, Parisian figure. Now, if you're Parisian, this lifestyle (the constant, casual eating of delicious food coupled with the walking forty miles a day around the city) comes naturally, but obviously things are a little different here in America and after the cupcake lady made it clear how familiar my face was to her, I figured it might be a good time to experiment with the French Woman Detox Plan.

Basically, when French women do manage to get fat (usually from visiting America or getting pregnant or a combination of the two) they immediately turn to the aide of the Two Day Leek Soup Regimen, which helps get them back to their original state. Basically, you eat nothing but leek juice for two days and on the third day you emerge all flushed out and glowing and Paris ready. C'est bon.

So I bought two pounds of leeks and immersed them in Hollywood water and boiled the hell out of them and got ready to faire le detox. I made it through leek breakfast and lunch of day one when I realized that French Woman Leek Detox was really wreaking havoc on my joie de vivre.

Alors, after my half day of leeks it occurred to me that I'm half French. I have a Grandmaman. I didn't know the English word for grapefruit until I was five and kids didn't know what the heck I was talking about when I said pomplemousse. I can sing Frere Jacques and have spent fifteen days in France. I've seen Paris, Je T'aime and I took lots of ballet. I'm pretty sure all of those factors make it fine for me to skip over the leeks and cut to the part where I only drink champagne and eat crepes and croque monsieurs.