Hypocrite is to Hollywood

Now that my car is registered in California and my driver's license says California and my health insurance only works in California...

...All I want is an Upper Crust, half Uncommon, half Charles St. pizza picnic on a chilly esplanade.

I'll know I have arrived when I get my Upper Crust flown in to L.A. OR when I get myself flown to Boston to go pick it up on a whim.

This is how it works.

Driving with my dad when I was little, a song he liked would pop up on the radio and he'd tell me exactly how old he was when he bought the album that it was on. I used to think this was just part of his genius and while I still maintain that he's by far the most smartest, the same thing happens to me. And if it happens to both of us, then it must happen to everyone, at least once they get to be old enough to actually have some sense of value and reverence for the passage of time.

What's funny is how random it is, and how you can't make a conscious effort to associate music with any one particular thing. It just happens. Par example, I can't hear 'Toxic' without immediately thinking of pastel jellybeans in 2004, and that Regina Spektor song about the radio reminds me of Halloween last year and what I now recognize to be an uncomplicated, naive sense of possibility, and I usually don't even know about cool bands but Liz made me a CD that had some Modest Mouse song about a dashboard melting and that only reminds me of driving to work through Beverly Hills last year while wondering how the hell I wound up there.

All still apply.

I'll be right here.

The original 1982 version of E.T. featured the NASA agents bearing these huge guns, ready to shoot the kids or something if need be. I know, it seems a little extreme. Gunning down a 10 year old to prevent him from sending his alien friend home just doesn't really feel like the answer to me. Furthermore, since they did have guns, what the heck was stopping them from just shooting the air out of the kids' bike tires? That would have slowed them down for sure.

Anyway, the point is, when the movie was rereleased in 2002 for its 20th anniversary, the guns were digitally removed and replaced with walkie talkies, which, while being a hell of a lot less threatening, also make more sense in terms of the content of the movie. Sure, by all means, communicate with the base unit about the locale of the fugitive children. No need for any children to die here.

It must be nice to have options like that. Now if technology could provide me with a similar opportunity to to turn a few past guns into presently harmless walkie talkies, that would be stellar.

All that aside: this is a movie that makes people care, genuinely, I might add, about a mess of rubber and wires in the turd-y shape of an alien. Say what you will about emotional manipulation, but really? Job well done. I love this movie. Which most people already know, considering the mass influx of messages I got a couple of weeks ago when the E.T. house became threatened by the path of the fires in the Valley. Thanks for the alerts, everyone. I'm doing alright.

Nanny For Hire

"I would really love it if my $2.00 wine had a nice twist top."

"I just want to babysit these strapping young men...teens."

"Infant CPR?! How many parents know infant CPR? I swallowed a nickel when I was little and my mom called the hospital."

- Liz, while searching for nanny jobs online.

Send in the Crow

Oh, Sunday.

Imagine the most peaceful morning scenario there ever was. Sun streaming in through the window, mourning doves cooing gently, a light breeze wafting through the lemon tree and me, miraculously still asleep at 8 AM.

I open my eyes and roll over to face the window, squinting in preparation for the sunlight, which, through my failing eyes, I see is obstructed by a dark shape perched on my windowsill. I throw on my glasses to fully diagnose the situation, but before I can, the shape makes a sound that I have never heard outside of JURASSIC PARK.

My mind and lens prescription come together in time to recognize that this is a crow, a massive crow in my window, barking at me through the screen like a damn pterodactyl. Unsure as to what would happen next, I literally stood up and begged, "Please do not bust through the screen." The crow gave me the stinkeye and yelled again before flapping off to assuredly go terrorize someone else.

I don't THINK I dreamed this, but it's hard to tell.

Watching Harry Potter with a Plebian

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

One Saturday evening, LIZ (23) comes home from work to find a lethargic, sunstroked DANIELLE (23) watching the end of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Liz, having virtually no interest or knowledge in the Harry Potter series, makes a feeble attempt to engage and participate.

DANIELLE

...So now they're trying to suck out

his soul. It's a fate worse than death,

because then you're just existing

without a soul.

LIZ

It's not THAT bad. I see it all the

time in the Valley, and those people

manage.

On the screen, we see Harry's shimmering, silver stag Patronus glowing as he casts it to fend off the soul sucking Dementors.

LIZ

Oh, that's the soul reindeer?

DANIELLE

No. I wish you could hear how ridiculous

you sound right now. That is Harry's

STAG PATRONUS. He's casting it from

THE FUTURE.

On the screen, we see Hermione perform the "Bombarda" spell, where she busts open the door of a jail cell with magic.

LIZ

I don't understand why they even

bother locking the doors in magic land

if they can just bust them open like

that. Why didn't he [Sirius Black]

do that to begin with?

DANIELLE

Well I'm sure they would

have confiscated his wand.

ACK.

I don't know how, of all the Audrey Hepburn movies one's life can resemble, mine seems to be My Fair Lady. Go figure. But Eliza Doolittle says that there can't be any feeling between the likes of me and the likes of you. She says it in proper English and je pense que she is right.

Last weekend was Nantucket Independence Day and for the love of Pete, it is so beautiful there. It's like, shut down

your Blackberry and read books instead of scripts good. I never thought I'd be the sort to be tempted by reclusive, year round isolation living on a tiny island, but that was all before I lived here for a year and realized, immediately upon [finally] landing on that precious little island, how simple things can be. Effortless, even. You literally breathe easier. If and when I'm done with L.A., I will need at least a year of reclusive isolation out there to recover from whatever it is that is killing me here. Perhaps I will write a book there, or raise some sheep and tend to them. Or waitress and make a billion dollars.

The following is a conversation I had with Adrienne:

Me: I bought some white Converse.

Adrienne: WHITE? Why would you buy white and not black?

Me: Because white makes me feel like a baseball player.

Adrienne: I don't know. Once you go black, you can't go...

Me: ADRIENNE!

Adrienne: What?! I will ONLY buy black Converse.