Send in the Crow

Oh, Sunday.

Imagine the most peaceful morning scenario there ever was. Sun streaming in through the window, mourning doves cooing gently, a light breeze wafting through the lemon tree and me, miraculously still asleep at 8 AM.

I open my eyes and roll over to face the window, squinting in preparation for the sunlight, which, through my failing eyes, I see is obstructed by a dark shape perched on my windowsill. I throw on my glasses to fully diagnose the situation, but before I can, the shape makes a sound that I have never heard outside of JURASSIC PARK.

My mind and lens prescription come together in time to recognize that this is a crow, a massive crow in my window, barking at me through the screen like a damn pterodactyl. Unsure as to what would happen next, I literally stood up and begged, "Please do not bust through the screen." The crow gave me the stinkeye and yelled again before flapping off to assuredly go terrorize someone else.

I don't THINK I dreamed this, but it's hard to tell.

Watching Harry Potter with a Plebian

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

One Saturday evening, LIZ (23) comes home from work to find a lethargic, sunstroked DANIELLE (23) watching the end of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Liz, having virtually no interest or knowledge in the Harry Potter series, makes a feeble attempt to engage and participate.

DANIELLE

...So now they're trying to suck out

his soul. It's a fate worse than death,

because then you're just existing

without a soul.

LIZ

It's not THAT bad. I see it all the

time in the Valley, and those people

manage.

On the screen, we see Harry's shimmering, silver stag Patronus glowing as he casts it to fend off the soul sucking Dementors.

LIZ

Oh, that's the soul reindeer?

DANIELLE

No. I wish you could hear how ridiculous

you sound right now. That is Harry's

STAG PATRONUS. He's casting it from

THE FUTURE.

On the screen, we see Hermione perform the "Bombarda" spell, where she busts open the door of a jail cell with magic.

LIZ

I don't understand why they even

bother locking the doors in magic land

if they can just bust them open like

that. Why didn't he [Sirius Black]

do that to begin with?

DANIELLE

Well I'm sure they would

have confiscated his wand.

ACK.

I don't know how, of all the Audrey Hepburn movies one's life can resemble, mine seems to be My Fair Lady. Go figure. But Eliza Doolittle says that there can't be any feeling between the likes of me and the likes of you. She says it in proper English and je pense que she is right.

Last weekend was Nantucket Independence Day and for the love of Pete, it is so beautiful there. It's like, shut down

your Blackberry and read books instead of scripts good. I never thought I'd be the sort to be tempted by reclusive, year round isolation living on a tiny island, but that was all before I lived here for a year and realized, immediately upon [finally] landing on that precious little island, how simple things can be. Effortless, even. You literally breathe easier. If and when I'm done with L.A., I will need at least a year of reclusive isolation out there to recover from whatever it is that is killing me here. Perhaps I will write a book there, or raise some sheep and tend to them. Or waitress and make a billion dollars.

The following is a conversation I had with Adrienne:

Me: I bought some white Converse.

Adrienne: WHITE? Why would you buy white and not black?

Me: Because white makes me feel like a baseball player.

Adrienne: I don't know. Once you go black, you can't go...

Me: ADRIENNE!

Adrienne: What?! I will ONLY buy black Converse.